


I'm Only Joking

by 88KeysOfSadism



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 03:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2836628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/88KeysOfSadism/pseuds/88KeysOfSadism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jason has Christmas gifts for everyone in his family... except one...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Only Joking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jai_l_Bird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jai_l_Bird/gifts).



Christmas Eve finds Jason Todd checking over the last few presents in his apartment. He didn’t buy gifts for many people- usually bought nothing at all, in fact- but this year, he’d found a few that had to be given out.

Never before has he been happier that he doesn’t live at Wayne Manor. Christmas morning is going to open a lot of hostility towards him.

Mostly because he’d found a new store at the mall that only sold things based off of the various superheroes and vigilantes around. Some gifts just have to be purchased, for the good of the recipient.

Like the “I LOVE SUPERBOY!” underwear for Tim (surely he fits in woman’s clothing, right?). Or the Robin plushie and nightlight set for Damian. Or the “Scarier than Batman” mug for Alfred, or the “I’m not saying I’m Batman, but nobody’s ever seen me and Batman together” shirt for Bruce.

The only person missing from the list now is Dick. There had been nothing Nightwing oriented in the store and therefore nothing quite appropriate for his older brother.

Being the ever secretive man he is, Jason decides that the best method of deciding a good gift would be to text Dick himself to ask him what he wants. Ignoring the 72 snapchat notifications from Dick, he sends him a quick text.

**Jason:** Yo, Dickface. You still awake?

With that, he heads out of his apartment, throwing on his coat and wrapping a scarf around his neck. If he doesn’t get a response in five minutes, he’s buying the first crappy thing he can buy and wrapping it in ugly paper.

Three minutes later, his phone vibrates in his back pocket with a text.

**Dick:** hai jaybird whats up

There’s a stupid little emoticon next to it, a little yellow face with its tongue out. Jason rolls his eyes.

**Jason:** Your grammar is shit, Dick.

**Dick:** awwww, tht isnt in the xmas spirit jay santa wont bring u anything if ur mean

He laughs out loud, kicking snow out of his way as he heads to the nearest department store with a sale.

**Jason:** Well shit. Guess I’m getting nothing for Christmas then.

**Dick:** lol isnt tht a song?

**Jason:** Probably. What do you want for Christmas?

Jason walks through the spinning doors, heading to the left to avoid a particularly cheerful-looking saleswoman wearing a Santa hat.

**Dick:** noooo snapchat meeeee

There’s a winking face at the end of this text. Jason groans softly, looking at a pair of pajama pants.

**Jason:** No. Snapchat is stupid. It’s retarded, and I won’t use it.

**Dick:** well im not responding to ur txts anymore so u have 2 byeeee

Jason takes one look at the heart attached to the end of the text before heading off to the kitchen appliance section of the store. He opens up the Snapchat app, deliberately not looking at any of the previous 478 unread chats from Dick. He grabs a package of kitchen knives out of the display case, holding them up and taking a picture of them.

**Jason:** I’m coming to your house in five minutes to see how good my aim is. You’d best pray that I’m drunk before I get there.

The antihero ventures through more of the useless junk on the shelves until his phone dings with a reply. The picture is of Dick pouting, obviously half asleep in bed.

**Dick:** tht isnt very nice jay

Jason rolls his eyes, walking over a sign boasting the words ‘TIS THE SEASON! He zooms in on the apostrophe, snapping a picture.

**Jason:** This is called an apostrophe. It belongs in words like “isn’t,” “I’m,” and “You’re.” It’s also a form of punctuation, which you really need to learn how to use before I shoot you.

Dick sends him another picture, this time with his tongue out.

**Dick:** whatever

Another message comes in before Jason can begin to type a response. There’s a picture of a ceiling fan instead of the older man’s face.

**Dick:** how do u get so many words in 1 chat

Jason takes a picture of the floor to give himself something to take a picture of since part of him is far too paranoid to put a picture of his face anywhere that it could be discovered by his enemies.

**Jason:** I hacked it so that I could type complete, coherent sentences. I would be honored to do the same for you.

He wanders around through the store, trying to figure out where everything is. His phone dings with a picture of Dick’s slippers.

**Dick:** Aww thts sweet but no thnx

Jason rolls his eyes, looking up to find himself in the woman’s department. A sign to his right catches his eye, a red background with bright red letters:

“GET HER WHAT SHE WANTS THIS CHRISTMAS! 75% OFF ALL WOMEN’S WEAR!”

He snaps a quick picture

**Jason:** Suit yourself. Hey, this sounds like the perfect sale for you!

The response is almost immediate, a picture of Dick glaring at the camera.

**Dick:** im not a girl

Jason looks around to see a manikin standing very close to him, wearing a skimpy set of matching red bra and panties, outlined in white fur. Laughing to himself, he sends the picture to his brother.

**Jason:** You sure? I’m sure this would look great on you. Do you know your sizes for women’s clothes?

Roughly a minute later, he receives a shirtless mirror selfie.

**Dick:** nething looks gr8 on this body and yes

Growling softly, the antihero takes a picture of the floor again.

**Jason:** I think you meant “Anything” and “great.” And if you really think your body looks so fine, maybe you should go naked more often.

Dick sends him another half-nude photo

**Dick:** lol grammer nazi & only 4 u babe

A smirking face follows the message. Jason screenshots the picture and quickly texts it to Roy and Kori.

He takes a picture of the closest display case.

**Jason:** You’re disgusting, Dick. What do you want for Christmas?

He receives a photo of Dick’s toothbrush.

**Dick:** u kno u like it  & idc supirse me

Jason sends a photo of his middle finger

**Jason:** It’s “surprise,” actually. Maybe I’ll get you a dictionary for Christmas. And if you want a SURPRISE, it’s your own damn funeral. Merry Christmas, Dickwad.

Then he sticks the phone in his back pocket, wandering around the store. He refuses to give himself a headache by continuing to text his grammatically uneducated brother.

He ignores another five snapchats from Dick for the next half hour, looking through the store in search of anything to buy him at this point.

And then he finds it. The perfect gift.

“Oh, he’s gonna hate this…”

And so he buys it.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christmas evening finds Jason Todd wearing twice the normal amount of protective body armor as the rest of the Batfamily sits down to open gifts in the living room. The gifts from their wayward bird are opened last, and Damian starts the show.

“… Todd, what the fuck is this supposed to be?”

“Language, Master Damian,” is the sharp reprimand from Alfred.

Jason just grins, watching both Tim and Dick suppress laughter, though Bruce seems mostly unamused. “Well, Damian, it’s a baby Robin starter kit, for the baby Robin.”

Dick snorts, and Damian picks up one of his new swords before a glare from Alfred shuts him down.

“I will cut your throat in your sleep.”

“I look forward to it, brat.”

In order to stop the oncoming argument, Tim takes it upon himself to open the next present as a distraction. As soon as the paper is torn away, he turns bright red. “Fuck you!” he shouts, throwing the package at Jason. He is not fast enough, however, to prevent a cackling Dick from snapping a picture and sending it to a few select people.

Jason smirks, throwing it back. “What? You don’t like it? Your boyfriend might; you never know until you try.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!”

Dick raises an eyebrow, grinning. “It’s sinful to lie, Timmy.”

“Alright, that’s enough. Leave him alone.”

Tim looks highly grateful for Bruce’s intervention, and tosses the Dark Knight his own present.

Bruce unwraps the package, raising an unamused eyebrow before turning the shirt around. “Cute, Jason.”

His second oldest child grins and nods while Dick dissolves in laughter.

“You know I’m never going to wear this, right?”

Jason shrugs. “You could wear it under your costume or while you’re working out.”

Alfred smiles slightly, tossing his wrapping paper to the ground after stealthily opening his gift. “I, on the other hand, shall use this every day. Thank you, sir.”

The Red Hood grins. “Of course. Merry Christmas.”

“Hey Jason? Why do I have two gifts?” Dick holds up two messily wrapped boxes.

“You’ll see.” There’s a devilish smirk on his face. “Open the heavy one first.”

The original Robin does as suggested, tearing open the paper to reveal a dictionary and “Grammar for Dummies.”

Dick rolls his eyes. “Gee, thanks, Jason.”

“Anytime. You’ll like the second one.”

Frowning, Dick tears into the second wrapped present. Inside the box, there’s a bright blue dildo and a sparkly, Nightwing-themed thong.

“… What the hell?”

“You wanted a surprise, didn’t you? One’s because you’re a horny slut, and the other is because I know you’ll use it. Figure out which one is which.”

Jason ends up running out of the house that night dodging insults, knives, and Wing-Dings.


End file.
